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Mar. 2nd, 2010

Here I am once again , torn into pieces...


So. You miserable , failing , under acheiving bitch. What the fuck is going on in your warped brain ?!
Why can't I cope with anything ? Why is this happening? Why can't I cut? Why can't I just disappear.
So many questions that will never be answered. I want to slice away my skin but I have no blade. And what good will it do in the long run?
You'll still be a fat , binging bitch that can't hold friendships , and is failing everyone's expected standards. And there's nothing I can do to stop it. 4 weeks to get everything at school done. It's never going to happen and what about all those B's. I need the A*'s , otherwise I know I will not be happy. I want my friends back; I want the bullies gone. I want the good grades. And what I want most is my Grandad better. I know the wants will never happen but please. I can't do all this crap anymore.

 


Feb. 28th, 2010

Battle for the sun ...

 

Crap week.
CRAPPING CRAPNESS. I hate this.
Monday ; Need Braces till i'm eighteen. Have the day of school to basically  babysit after the dentist .
Tuesday; Good meeting with mentor. Best friend asks me out :/ FUCKING REJECT.
Wednesday : Best friend becomes awkward , as I haven't answered. More freindship crap. Realise may of done project wrong for  Physics. Scare Teacher.
Thursday : Still very awkward. Arguements.
Friday: Arguements . With all friends.  Exams . Courswork been down graded. Have to babysit kids , play up. Shit loads of homework. Best friend hates me. Fuck up , ignore tweezers and use a kitchen knife :(

FUCKING HELL CHARLOTTE , why ?! After three weeks :(

Feb. 20th, 2010

(:

So , even though it's in June. I got my dress for prom today (:
Hopefully , I can get that guy now. I surprised myself - it's extremley girly. But I love it :D
Day okay otherwise , so far., Went shopping with my little sister. I wish for a social life . One week and Five Days Clean from cutting (:  Had a great conversation with tthe best friend the last night. Hopefully things are getting back to normal (: 


Feb. 19th, 2010

I fake it so real I am beyond fake ...


So , i've still been thinking about what my teacher said too me last Thursday. I'll have to face her again soon , which may be awkward . I don't know. She let me in on so much , it's weird . I'm grateful. I don't think i'll bring it up. No , I won't. She knew about my self-harm and has given me something no-one else ever could.  She opened up too me last week ;

I mean one minute she asks you for a slip too return , as you walk past , talking to you like a normal person , I love that about her , she always does. She treats you like a friend . Then she lets you into the classroom you have next to help your best friend finish his homework.

Well, you weren't
awake before that but you were afterwards.

You enter her room , your sanctuary of science.

Your best friend picks up a pair of tweezers.

I know what could a fucking pair of tweezers do right ?
Friend ; " Charlotte , what do these remind you of? "
I'm slow too answer as i'm so tired and haven't slept I turn around. Just as my favourite  teacher turns round and states , not questions those two words...

"self harm"

What the Hell ? Runs through your head.

shes never brought it up this bluntly. I mean yeah shes said you can email her etc and asked me if my mentor gave me advice , but not this.

Then she goes on to explain her childhood.


"when I was a teenager , like you , I used to struggle with stress and pressure. I battled with many coping methods , till I ended up with this method of self-harm. I used to use tweezers to pluck outhair of my arms. Pain is a very good way of relieving stress. It leaves no scars , but I ended up with smoothy smooth arms for quite a few years. I still do if I have a bad day - so you'll know if I have a bad day - no arm hairs "

She smiles. Then she leaves.
I fall into the arms of my best friend. Thinking what the fuck. That's scary.
She always seems so in control and organised . But then so do I . That's how she knew about my self-harm or any of my OCD before I told her. She is a perfectionist and has OCD as well. She knew what my personality was like a placed the clues together.

Wow. But i'm so grateful too her really. So very grateful . For she has shown me and given me two things that not even a therapist could of given me;
#1- Hope. Although she still does it , I can achieve things with my future. The self-harm does not have to rule my life. I can go to Uni , get a job , have a boyfriend and be sucsessful . I CAN. It does not have to control me , I can learn to control it.
#2- Another method of coping , subtly I think. She saved me. Gave me a way too get off of the blades like she did. Too make it not as obvious to give me confidence.

She's also shown me , that she's been through , some of the same things as me and that some people out there , like her , really do understand. I'm glad I confided in her. Although , it's still a method of self-harm - Its better than kniving myself , by far. I love her , she is amazing. She understands how precious harm is a coping mechanism. Just wow. Someoe is out there and survived.

Feb. 18th, 2010

Run now baby run ...


That explains my life. I run from everything . I feel triggered. I have no bloody idea why. No RYL today , I just feel really down ... drained and I know that cutting will make me feel , alive and better.  My parents say to talk to them when I feel the urge to cut , but they always reject how I feel and I don't even know why anymore. It's always the same , i'll feel fine ... scrap that okay. Then there's like a flick of a light. And everything feels dark and depressing. I hate it. Why won't it go ? And it's always there ... no matter what I try to do to distract myself. But I can't give in to temptation. I can't . No blades left . DAMN PARENTS. Must not use tweezers. No bands. Not even the pins you just nicked from downstairs. Do not give in . Must not give in. And I always feel the same. Empty. I don't want too eat or drink. But I know if I cut i'll feel alive
. But then as guilty as hell. You always do.

You always do.
Why is it this hard?!

Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend...


What is it with me and being nostalgic at the moment?! It seems like since I got this thing , all I do is rant about my past - and it's only been three days. Well , if you can put up with it (:
It's really helping me to understand or just release all that i've held in for so long. I haven't felt like my head is going to explode anymore ; I know I can rant about it and my parents have no chance of finding out.

Well , latley I have no idea why this is so fascinating to me , or why it's even entering my head after i've shunned it for so very long. I keep thinking about my real mother , who I haven't seen since I was nine , but I don't even really want to see her. If anything i'd want to block her from my life , like she did too me. She lied to me , so she didn't have to see me. I was nine. Also , I keep thinking about my dead sister , my only real sybling. She died when I was three. She was premature , like me but didn't survive. I feel guilty. I don't know why. There's nothing I could of done to stop it. I was three. Tomi , was her name. I didn't know her , she died when she was five days old. After this my parents split up. Yeah ...

I don't know why I feel like this. Is it possible to shun grief for years? I miss my mum , but yet I hate her. I haven't lived with her since I was three. She neglected me. Shes a druggie and an alcoholic. They say i'm turning into her. But I don't do drgs or alcohol.  My step-mum is more like a mother. And just my sister ... maybe I would feel like I fitted in with her. I miss them.

x

Feb. 17th, 2010

Arghh...


    So , well I suppose I need to come terms with it. It happened a year and a half ago , and you were too stupid , scared and immature and maybe just the tinisest bit if a slut too stop it. Well ... it could of been so much worse. So much worse. All he did was finger you .... it could of been worse. But why didn't he stop when you pushed him off? Why couldn't you say no ? I suppose since then my self-injury has fallen downhill in a spiral. Why can't I speak this aloud or sort this out? You don't allow anyone too touch you , you feel worthless since it happened and dirty. I mean you haven't even had your first kiss.... Then you tell your best friend , and he said the words you were dreading , "He abused you".

Your boyfriend split up with you because you don't allow any male to touch you , you flinch . He couldn't even hug you . You hate physical contact. I should get over it but ... I don't know why it still bothers me. Is it because it's out of my control?

And then the Bastard comes up on Facebook ;

"Hey Charlotte , fancying being friends with benefits ;)... i'm really horny right now."

WTF? Can't he just fuck out of my life please. I want to forget , forget how it felt . How dirty and slutty i felt. Forget the feel of his fingers . Forget everything. I want to move on and have a proper relationship with a guy who I really like .... but how can I dod that when you make me feel so small and insignificant and dirty and helpless  YOU PRICK.

YOU MADE ME REMEMBER ALL OVER , when I was finally beginning too move on.
I hate you.
I want my life back from everything that controls me , please.

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Feb. 16th, 2010

I can't use what I can't abuse ....


And I can't stop when it comes to you.

And the urge to self-injure comes back to haunt you all over again , and what it's been a week since you cut with a blade ?  Three days sinces you plucked out your arm hair ? Why is this coming back now ? And why did your teacher tell you about that , you've gotta love her but still... is it good that I continue ? A fusilade of questions that I cannot answer. 

And why the urge ... it's been the usual day I think. Work , Coursework , Babysitting and the syblings playing up. Phone call from the so called best friend ... maybe that was it ? I don't know.All I know is that the mountain of paper work to make up to A* standard is ridiculous , considering I always keep on top of my coursework. I'm a perfectionist but the amount is so stressy. Argghhh. Maybe i'll get over it someday. I mean it's not as I have "real" problems.
I just find the stress , pressure and expectations at school and home far too much . :/

Ahh well. Fuck them, They don't know what's really happened to you.
They won't.
They'll Kill you .



Hello people (:

So hey people , how are you guys ?
*waves* , I finally did it
So me .... well i'm simply Charlotte and this is going to be my refuge , from my whirl wind of a mind. Anything will go in here from my thoughts to ramblings about anything and everything. I find it hard to express myself , so maybe ranting here will help , eh ?! I'm sixteen and at High School in the UK.  If you wanna know more about me ask, but some people on RYL (recvover your life) may know me pretty well. I'd love to get to know more people on here , so PM me anytime
(: x


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